09.08.2022

The narc is all about being positive while they ooze negativity all over you. What an amazing trait.

i am starting to bite back more cos i know you are fucking fake. all your words are fake. its been over an year. its going to be 2 years. u fucking dont give a shit . all your actions are — well there is no actions…

u can do so much for others.. and u cant do anything for me… so fuck off. dont call me negative. u are the piece of shit who came to ruin my life. make me so anxious. u fucking left me for months, hoping, anxious, worried.

I killed myself to make this work.. u dont give a shit.. u treat me like shit. u dont care.. well i care.. thats me. i keep fighting with myself all the time to dismiss the feel but i need to understand that my love is keeping this alive.

Nothin is real from you. You are as fake as social media. Just a illusion. I am just a fucking fantasy to you. When it comes to the real deal you are not there. you piece of shit.

03.08.2022 Feeling Overwhelmed

Right now i am feeling a lot of anxiety and cant seem to breathe properly.

three years later and history seems to repeat itself.

i have so much going on that i need to take a breather from it all.i cant do it all. i am trying to do it all and cant do anything.

I think his wife might have seen it cos she asks for an id which is kind of usual. Then a couple of weird messages and i hear nothin back.

i prefer this. i think i just need to be on my own. so much is going on with the health issues, the house work, the legal paperwork.

in between all this , a holiday.. money issues.. i mean the list is endless.its okay. i am sure it will all work itself out soon.

i have to take a break from certain things, certain some one. very quiet.. which i dont know if its a bad thing or good.

30.06.2022 All time High

I dont think its all time high. But i really wish i can take something to forget. I wish i can take something to forget the pain. I wish i can take something to sleep and not wake up at 4am with rushing thoughts.

Everyone around me seems to hurt me.

I do my best not to hurt anyone. but no one seems to care.

i feel like my head is about to burst. i feel the pressure on me will leave me dead.

i have felt alone before. even with all around me, i feel alone. no one gives a shit.

they take and take and take.

one day this will be over. one day i wont have sleepless nights. one day i wont feel pain. one day i will be at peace.

20.06.2022 i am really angry

Ok so i dont have a reason. But i am suddenly mad at him. Nothin new happened but he is pissing me off.

Tomorrow marks 9 years and maybe i know he doesnt care and this is a reminder that i am wasting more time with him. He says stupid shit that is supposed to melt me but i know its full of shit. the whole thing is full of shit. okay maybe this is the reason why i am angry. i dont want to talk to him.

i really dont want to talk to him tomorrow. i wasted 9 years on him. i keep falling for all the bull. i should be more strict. my anger goes down. he just sends this shit pics when he feels like it. .like is that me.. am i meant to do this..

okay atleast i know why i am angry. like yesterday he calls and i just say yes for all his shit. what is wrong with me.

he is not even going to remember tomorrow. this is the sad thing. its only me. i am the only one who gives a shit. he doesnt have time to remember anything, he doesnt care.

ok .

16.06.2022 I feel like ….

Its like everytime i go a few steps front i get dragged back. I feel alone, like this fight against life. I bet this is what everyone feels.. but everyone fight is alone. No one understands even if one tries to understand.

I watch and feel bad for others. I guess i need to be content with what i have.. but i feel frustrated. I want to be able to feel loved, cherised. when was the last time i got spoiled. i feel like all i do is take care of everyone.

I want to be loved, spoilt, touched.

I need some one new in my life, some exciting, someone who will sweep me off my feet.

08.06.2022

So i usually write when he is not there and i pore my misery in. Now i am writing to with-hold myself as i feel like telling i miss him a lot. that i am crazy about him. i need to control my emotions. god this always happens. i am such a loser sometimes.

maybe i can say it. i miss u da. i miss u and want you so much. i am crazy about you.

09.05.2022 Return after 3 months

So i finally get a message. He acts like nothin has happeend. It made me sick. i felt sick. i was angry. i realised nothin has changed. He can go fuck himself.

I want to remain in power. i want to be conscious of my decisions. i dont want him to take the upper hand. he is not worth it. its being 9 years. 9 years of being used , 9 years of crying, 9 years of constant abuse.

No No. please i need to be strong now. not to be weak. Not to fall back. i need to put myself first.

26.04.2022 Such Vivid Dreams

I am having sleepless nights due to such vivid dreams. Some are about him and some well never make sense. Its been more than two months now and i miss him a lot but its also okay. I did want this at times where i can be alone and not get hurt.

I remember the pain, the ups and down, the anxiety, i didnt get much. i settlted for peanuts. I didnt realise my worth. yes some moments i will never forget and i will never forget this person who made a big impact in my life.

Also i think is something wrong with his health or his personal life. I truly hope he is okay. I always want the best of him no matter what happens. I truly want him to be happy. healthy. live long.

I have to beleive that i have to move on and not keep thinking of the sad times. I am not getting hurt now. I am not hurting anyone. i am good. no one can say that i am slut, or a whore. Its peaceful. yes i am missing being alive. Maybe thats the price i need to pay but atleast i knew what it felt like. Or maybe it was an illusion after all.

08.04.2022

Its a better day. But nights are very hard cos i start thinking of everything and my anxiety is making it very hard.

Maybe i need to sweat it out maybe go for like a walk . i dont know. everything seems a blur. everything seems a bit weird. life. the world. the world and the people are making me very angry. very upset. its like there is nothin i can do. all i do seems to be going in circles. maybe thats why i miss him cause he made me feel something. he made me feel high low. everything between. he made me feel alive, dead, sad, happy, every emotion across the spectrum.

maybe thats why i cant move on. i feel dead. at peace maybe but dead.

06.04.2022

I think trying to fake positivity wont help me. So i think i am just going to accept that things aren’t just going right. I think a lot of people would agree. Its just seems pointless. People are like not great. maybe thats whats make them raw. Then i realise they need me too. So i dont knwo what i am saying. people make me angry.