26.04.2021 Read this -u know when u should

this back and forth. such a drag. just when i slowly seem to come back then he comes back with a half baked nonsense.

if he pulls this stunt again just dont reply. its really not worth it. its so difficult to stay without talking to him and the withdrawal symptoms start kicking in a few days but he cannot just come and go. ignore him. if he goes he goes. so he texted on saturday and if he doesnt touch base again in a few days then leave it.

there is really nothin to be gained rather than some momentary happiness .

simple. dont overcomplicate it. u will be okay. breathe. u are worth more. i am worth more

16.03.2021 Not a great start for the week

So on Saturday morning I finally felt slightly better and that’s when he contacted. Its like he knows when i suddenly start feeling light. It was a short conversation which as usual got cut suddenly. i think i have told him many times but he clearly doesn’t care for my anxiety level or anything about me.

The video call ended abruptly and I have heard nothing back. Does he think he can use me like this? And why do i allow it. Why do i respond it so quickly. why do I give in. I am going to try and not respond. Maybe his ego would be hurt and he would leave me alone. Why doesn’t he miss me like i miss him. So many whys.

My brain: i wish i can just stop the train of thoughts.. it like this super fast bullet train that is clearly ambushing everything in its path. This is soo destructive. Yet I keep going through it time and time again. I cant even bear to look at the old messages.

Anyways i was such in a low mood and by Monday morning, my energy levels.. my anxiety was all over the place. I just started crying. i cant keep crying over this anymore. I tried doing so many law of attraction manifesting videos.. like the ones where you can manifest a text message. I mean why am I doing this.

All i want is for my brain to slow down. I just want to forget him. i need to give up on this idea. this idea this hope that sits on my head thinking i am going to have a future. it does not exist. i need to invest in me. i want to sleep without his thoughts. i want to wake up without his thoughts. i want to write on this blog without mentioning him. I really need to stop ranting about him.

12.03.2021

I couldnt think of a title and i really need to get started on the book. Today i felt very jittery as i have not heard from him since early Sunday Morning. The fact that he can stay for 6 days without talking to me should tell something.

I am not that important to him. Simple.

24.02.2021 New Purpose

I have been manifesting the same thing for the last two weeks. I mean a couple of times it has worked when i really let go. He is like a shadow that follows me everywhere so i am not entirely sure on how to let go. Yes i know the process. but the implementation is a different story.

I have been inspired by a colleague who is writing a book. Now i did start on a love story but it never went anywhere so i decided to write about my friends and their story as its best to write with the knowledge i have.

So my first aim is to make a draft and i am plan to use this platform cos no one will ever read this. Before i do that and i will mark it as a seperate one, i hope that i use my energy on something else. I need a new focus.

I am still trying to lose weight, drink water. I am walking everyday so that is good. I want to focus on my areas that needs to be improved. I cant keep focusing on him alone. It is not working. He doesnt care. He texts me at midnight like a booty call. i am glad my phone was silent otherwise i would have probably lost my will power cos its damn weak when it comes to him anyways, and i would have replied back to him. Sign… i wish … not sure how to complete this sentence.

Right back to my new purpose.. Damn i cant even write about something without being distracted by him.

i want to have a rough draft about my story to the girls as i am going to base it on them. Lets see.

17.02.2021 Let go

So i am right now in the office listening to meditation music about letting go and trusting the universe.

I need to step into the postive vibrations instead of the negatives ones. I was asking why i am not getting certain things and i realised that i am not a patient person.

Everything takes time and everything has a place. I studied in Colombo ended up in Bangalore, came to London. met my friends after years. marriage. kids, life.. pain.. happiness.. people who came into my life .. people who left my life. so many by chance.

I need to truly let go and even embrace the pain i have. its also a part of me. Yes i have been crying every night as sometimes when one misses someone so much… when i have been so attached to you i cannot think of a life without them. We become so strongly attached to them. I have lived without them and will continue.

I have always asked God that if someone is not meant in my life that please take them away. I need to learn to trust God and the universe that what ever is happening is hapeening for a reason. i need to step into the air and feel light. Even my body feels tired and sore and very heavy.

I need to write what i want from the Universe.

i will feel loved and will give love.

I will lose weight and feel lighter/.

I will learn to embrace the pain and the heartache. I will continue to smile.

I will learn to let go.

I will learn to live without certain indivuuals in my life.

its all good what is happening. I need to let go of the chain. i need to let go of the ropes that is binding me around.

i want to feel light.. i want the love and the ambudnace of positive energy to sweep through me like a light radiating from the Gods.

I will feel cleansed. my soul will be pure. its like i have bathed in the holy water and have been reborn to start a new journey. a new life where i am just a new born baby who has stepped into the world.

The past shall be left behind and i will not use it to think about my future.

I wish to let go. My new exciting life awaits me. I will be provided with adundance of peace and happiness. I am seeing the lights all over me.. enveloping me with a hug.. i can smell the freshness around me.. the tingle around me.. its happening.. i am seeing myself on a cloud and its myself.. alone.. a smile.. freshness.. its a new day.

16.02.2021 Value

So he did text like for a bit to say that he had a problem with an app. Again not acceptable. Anyways i dont think i should waste more time. I had a good time. now need to move away.

I dont know why but i texted R after a long time. Maybe i need a distraction. maybe i am bored.

If someone wants to spend time with me they would. If they disappear off then i cant help it. I am worth more. I am much worth more than these breadcrumbs i get from him.

Wonder what i should do if he texts me.. he blocks and unblocks.. its like his own way or the high way.

i really need to concentrate on my body.. yes the days are going to be hard.. the nights.. i am having sleepless nights again. my body and mind is not calm without him.. it would take time.. i just need to accept the pain and learn to live with it.

09.02.2021 Absolutely not acceptable

arghhhhh…. we meet.. then he disappears… then he texts.. i melt… what the hell … i need to make it clear that this is not acceptable and if he goes off like this i wont like it and if he has a problem with it, then we deal with it.

i cant be held up in the air about this and wonder what happened to him. he does it all the time like not a care has been given. why do i need to go through highs and lows. he makes me experiecce so much of happiness.. so much of thrill that no ones has given before and then he pushes me off the cliff..

We met on Friday and it was amazing. i felt so alive and again at times it was hurtful when phone calls happen but the rest was amazing. its like as soon as he is done, i am out of it.. till he re-surface again.

i am so freaking tired of it by now that i am not able to see the positive and the good that happened and just focus on the negatives.

i dont want to sound like a nag and ignore that day but this is also not acceptable.

i will say it no matter how hard it is as we know how hard its for me to confront and say how i feel.

he is going to say some crap or pretned like its not a big deal. he is using me. simple. i dont think i matter to him and i keep falling for his dialouges.

u want sex. simple. say it. lets not get feelings involved. lets not say i miss you… lets keep it official. i also want you. you also want me. if its fwb then its fucking fwb..

Birthday Eve 18.01.2021

Another birthday. I should be grateful and i should be thankful but this page is not about all that.. Its supposed to reflect my inner thoughts that i cannot openly share with anyone.

i am in fear. thats it. i am going to get disappointed. i have put all my eggs in one basket and my whole life seems to resolve around one person. i hate the fact that i have become like that and becuase of this its causing me anxiety.

I am doing all the breathing exercies and my friends and family are really sweet. I should be grateful and i should be able to see the love that i have instead of seeking validation and love from this empty soul who doesnt really care. I spent most of my time googling on ways he loves me.. does he love me… signs he cares about me.. signs of this and signs of that….

Actions should speak more louder and i am scared that my whole day will be disappointed by his inactions.. his empty words.. i know i should move on… is my life only about himm.

I am actually glad that i have been able to maintain this blog.. my friend actaully presented me a focus journal which would kind of be similar but becuase its on paper how honest can i really be?

I am not entirely sure on how to move forward in life. I am not sure even how to proceed with this post.

hmmmmmm..

02.01.2021 Is it New ?

I dont know. doesnt seem like new year. i have absolutely no motivation. i already had my anxiety hitting me on new year eve and i spent the first hour crying but then my drunk friend was drunk so that was funny.

i am really not going to make any resolutions cos i am still backlogged from 2000 lol. atleast i am still funny..

Anyways one thing is good i am writing more regular. i got to see the positive side of things. i find it hard to gather words and when i write i am not saying the words just flow. its just easier i suppose.

this is like my online diary i guess. i am not expecting anyone to even read it. its just my own space where i can rant and say stupid shit and curse without thinking too much. i mean i cant write this on social media can i.

When i read it later i reflect on it and sometimes i think i am in the same cycle but this year i do hope to write about other things. Maybe i should write about certain topics and my view point or continue my chapter story into Online Chats.

Okay i do need to give an update on him. i mean : so he did message around 2am on New year. and later on we spoke and for a sec we even saw each other on video call. why is he so cute. so sexy man. anyways i do remember last year he couldnt wish or he wouldnt wish. i dont know whats happeening.

I should really not think into every word he says.. but well lets see.. maybe its not love even from me.