Ok so i dont have a reason. But i am suddenly mad at him. Nothin new happened but he is pissing me off.
Tomorrow marks 9 years and maybe i know he doesnt care and this is a reminder that i am wasting more time with him. He says stupid shit that is supposed to melt me but i know its full of shit. the whole thing is full of shit. okay maybe this is the reason why i am angry. i dont want to talk to him.
i really dont want to talk to him tomorrow. i wasted 9 years on him. i keep falling for all the bull. i should be more strict. my anger goes down. he just sends this shit pics when he feels like it. .like is that me.. am i meant to do this..
okay atleast i know why i am angry. like yesterday he calls and i just say yes for all his shit. what is wrong with me.
he is not even going to remember tomorrow. this is the sad thing. its only me. i am the only one who gives a shit. he doesnt have time to remember anything, he doesnt care.
Its like everytime i go a few steps front i get dragged back. I feel alone, like this fight against life. I bet this is what everyone feels.. but everyone fight is alone. No one understands even if one tries to understand.
I watch and feel bad for others. I guess i need to be content with what i have.. but i feel frustrated. I want to be able to feel loved, cherised. when was the last time i got spoiled. i feel like all i do is take care of everyone.
I want to be loved, spoilt, touched.
I need some one new in my life, some exciting, someone who will sweep me off my feet.
So i usually write when he is not there and i pore my misery in. Now i am writing to with-hold myself as i feel like telling i miss him a lot. that i am crazy about him. i need to control my emotions. god this always happens. i am such a loser sometimes.
maybe i can say it. i miss u da. i miss u and want you so much. i am crazy about you.
So i finally get a message. He acts like nothin has happeend. It made me sick. i felt sick. i was angry. i realised nothin has changed. He can go fuck himself.
I want to remain in power. i want to be conscious of my decisions. i dont want him to take the upper hand. he is not worth it. its being 9 years. 9 years of being used , 9 years of crying, 9 years of constant abuse.
No No. please i need to be strong now. not to be weak. Not to fall back. i need to put myself first.
I am having sleepless nights due to such vivid dreams. Some are about him and some well never make sense. Its been more than two months now and i miss him a lot but its also okay. I did want this at times where i can be alone and not get hurt.
I remember the pain, the ups and down, the anxiety, i didnt get much. i settlted for peanuts. I didnt realise my worth. yes some moments i will never forget and i will never forget this person who made a big impact in my life.
Also i think is something wrong with his health or his personal life. I truly hope he is okay. I always want the best of him no matter what happens. I truly want him to be happy. healthy. live long.
I have to beleive that i have to move on and not keep thinking of the sad times. I am not getting hurt now. I am not hurting anyone. i am good. no one can say that i am slut, or a whore. Its peaceful. yes i am missing being alive. Maybe thats the price i need to pay but atleast i knew what it felt like. Or maybe it was an illusion after all.
Its a better day. But nights are very hard cos i start thinking of everything and my anxiety is making it very hard.
Maybe i need to sweat it out maybe go for like a walk . i dont know. everything seems a blur. everything seems a bit weird. life. the world. the world and the people are making me very angry. very upset. its like there is nothin i can do. all i do seems to be going in circles. maybe thats why i miss him cause he made me feel something. he made me feel high low. everything between. he made me feel alive, dead, sad, happy, every emotion across the spectrum.
maybe thats why i cant move on. i feel dead. at peace maybe but dead.
I think trying to fake positivity wont help me. So i think i am just going to accept that things aren’t just going right. I think a lot of people would agree. Its just seems pointless. People are like not great. maybe thats whats make them raw. Then i realise they need me too. So i dont knwo what i am saying. people make me angry.
Everyone is selfish. thats about it. they fucking just think about themselves.
Nobody cares about others. its all fake. they are all fucking fake. pieces of shit they are. thats what i really think. Maybe most of them are devil in disguise. i want to tell them to piss off. i am calm. i dont react. but i am boiling inside. i want to turn the phone of.
Its been three weeks since D left me once again shattered. I think i dont feel anything. Its like i know that nothin good is going to come out of it. I told some friends about how proud i am. I seem to functioning much better as everytime i wonder why i dont feel much sadness i remember the depth of how it hurt in 2016/2017.
But today i felt alone, felt sick, felt like a part of me is not there. Maybe its the with drawal symptoms. maybe this is the pain i was waiting for. Why doesnt he miss me? why does he say things like this? I care for him so much and he kills me most of the time with his inactions and his words.
Maybe my life is meant to be like this. I am not questioning why i got this. its happens. life happens. breaks happens. fuck war happens.
no one really knows a shit. its all up in the air.
Fuck you man. i deserve better. but u have taken more than my ability to trust anyone. u have taken my ability to love my life , love someone whole heartly, love another person.
am i going to keep missing you for the rest of my life?
Fuck you man.
Is the universe trying to tell me something. Are we too blind to see things when its practically in front of us. How does one let go. I am no longer expecting others to behave in a certain way. I am not attached to anyone. My purpose on this life is a matter of moments.
They can only provide a certain part of it and i will no longer look into seeking it all. they are doing their best. i will do my best.
i am learning to love myself. I have spent many year loving others. chasing others. crying about others. now i will learn to love myself. love my soul. learn to smile from deep within.
the only concern i have is this effect temporary. Is it becuase of the vitamin d tablets i am taking. or him. i dont know.
i am able to wait. i am no longer in a hurry. is it the anxiety going down. why does it feel clear. is it because he said he loves me.
i guess we shall wait and watch. 🙂