Is it the 5th time or the last time? 21.11.2020

We have been talking on and off and one of the things i have come to resign as fate is that no one can really change another one. No matter how many times i tell you something, it has to come from one own’s thoughts.

We met again for the 5th time and it seems different. Felt more love this time. He usually nevers calls or texts after we meet. He tends to disappear off for a few weeks and then i hear from him again.

This time. it was 5 mins where he said about the train times. then checking if i reached home. Telling how much he enjoyed it.

I am quite shocked. What does this mean. Is it the free sex he has been recieving and he wants to make sure the supply is constantly met.

it was different cos we did talk about stuff. he held me. my brain and my mind are confused. i feel like i am high.

every time we met, i dreaded it after cos i know he would disappear off. what is happening.

Would he disappear again? Yes i am paying the costs both mentally and physcically but he makes me forget everything. For that couple of hours(its just like i have disappeared off the face of the earth).

Yes its not love. i dont know if we are even what you called friends. Whatever this is. It has so few highs and many lows. He even said he has many lovers.. i dont know what i mean to him.

But i realise its not my job to find out. He is not a permanent person in my life. Any time this can be over. He could be using me. And i know i cant live without him. My mind goes so low when he is not there and i really hate myself that i have relied on someone to feel good.

But when he is with me, i have never felt this high. I have never felt sexier. I have never felt this alive. Its like everything has woken up and its like i was in this big coma.. All dead inside.. now i am alive.

I realised time is short. and this little memories are within me for a long time.

I do wish he loves me. but i know he doesnt. Maybe i just boost his ego like no other. Maybe there is no body else . Maybe he is tired of life. I wish i can find out how he really feels about me but i am not chasing after it now.

I am taking it day by day. I cannot make anyone love me. I cannot make anyone chase me. I cannot make anyone want me.

I know all i do is wrong but i cant help it. I even asked God but all i feel is that he is meant to be in my life. Its now seven years and 7 months that he has come into my life and i cannot make his memories go away.

But i am also scared of life. i am scared of death. i am scared that this illusion will disappear off.

But i enjoyed that one hour. I waited 9 months for it. For that one hour.

Sometimes even when we know we are being used, we allow it. No one to blame except our self.

11.08.2020 Confused and Confused

Making Decisions is the hardest thing i guess. I mean i am not really a risk taker and always tried to play safe. Yes i have gambled a lot of things but none of which i regret now. Everything taught me something.

Now i think i need to learn to give up control but at the same time make decisions. I always feel God is right with me guiding me and some angel is with me sort of making sure my path goes smoother than expected.

Life is short. I need to learn new things. I need to move forward. I need new challenges.

I dont know why but i always draw parallels to my work life and my love. Also weirdly i feel if i keep using my Iphone then certain people will stay in my life.

Forget about confusion. I sound like a weirdo.

Oh well lets take it one day at a time. Until i hear from this job then i am not making any decisions.

04.08.2020

So he came back like nothin happened and had no sort of explaination other than the usual nonsense .

i am worth more than a few words here and there. I am worth more than the odd love dialouges and the crappy meetings where there was no love at the end. The red flags are soooo clear that i think even a blind person could see it. But i am clearly blind in my heart for constantly ignoring it.

I went 7 years like this so maybe a change. If the love is real then nothin should break it right.

Well lets see. I am not backing down. I deserve better. I want love. Real love. Nothin less would take me away.

13.07.2020 5 weeks and Counting

Its been now 5 weeks that there has been no contact from him. My mind is all over and i feel strangely like i am not living in my own body.

Nothin is in my control and i may never let go of him. Its okay. life can be much worse. I just need to deal with the demons inĀ  my head. Atleast i know where they are.

24.06.2020 Did i just quit my job

Ok. Some words that i never thought i will say.

I told my boss yesterday i am quitting. I am meeting him next monday to discuss a date. Probably need a few months.

Ok what did i just do. Maybe i need something new. i am so scared. I am not the person to quit easily but i think i need a break for a couple of months.

I dont want to ask for a extended period of absence. I think i need to venture into something new.

Yes the money. God .. how am i going to figure this out.

I am wondering whether i made this decison rashly. Is it becuase that idiot did not talk to me for three weeks and counting. I was worried sick that i made my friend pray and find out that he has liked a facebook pic of someone who just posted a couple of days back.

What am i doing.

Dear Universe: Yes love.. happineess.. i was asking something and got something. I should not tell anyone about this for the moment.

Maybe i need a three month break.

I dont know what else to say. I am scared.. terrified.. My anxiety keeps coming at random times.. I need a break.. Away from everything.. I dont know what i am doing. Maybe i am not being rational.

 

17.06.2020 Tears and Strength

So total mess at work. Monday Morning. Tears.. Guilt.. TOp of it all he has vanished.

So i am feeling down and low. I keep worrying that something is wrong. I just need to know he is okay. Its like i am just worried. Nothin more.

I cant stay crying forever. Need to pick myself cos no else would. Yes support maybe. But i need to do this.

On the bright side, its now week 3 without rice( okay i had it once).

So No Rice, No Bread, No Butter, No Biscuits, No Potato.

Haha i wonder what else i can cut. I am thinking of trying some vegan reciepes. I am still going to have cake this Sunday for Father’s Day.

God: Help us all.

I want love. I need love. I am manifesting love for me. I want to love myself. I Will look after me first. Self Love and Self Care.

Peace Out.

11.06.2020 Learning to Love

It has been a hectic week at work but thats normal. I feel like i have actually experienced glimpses of happiness at certain points this week which i normally dont as i usually only feel that when i am with a certain someone.

Mostly i feel empty when he is not there and its like a drug that keeps pulling me back. If he is back then i think thats when i can actually experience hapiness.

Does this make sense.

But this week is differnet . Sure i do miss him.. but am i seeing the joy in life. I havent had an episode of mood swings and i am due my periods in a few days.

Well its too early to say.. i might be drowning in tears soon.. but maybe not.

I want love. i need love. i want to first love myself.

Well maybe i am learning to love myself..

 

 

05.06.2020 Love Manifestation

Okay i miss the guy. Damn,, for a few days i thought i was getting ahead of myself and being u know…. ye i am in charge.. this is my life and listening to Believer song..

I keep asking God for help and he seems to be like.. u got this… i still think we need to revisit this conversation.. I am not that strong as i seem. I need help.

Ok Universe.. i need help.. I need love.. Real one. I need to love myself first.. I think i am slowly doing it.. I want amazing love.. i keep repeating it so the universe can hear me and maybe i can manifest this.

On the positive side, i joined an online dance class which was very nice. You know in your brain you think u are an amazing dancer, but in reality God.. never see a mirror when u are dancing or worse dont record yourself.

Ok back to my manifestation.

I WANT LOVE. I NEED LOVE. I CRAVE LOVE. I WANT TO FEEL LOVED. I WANT THE EXCITEMENT OF LOVE.

ok i think this should do it.

Lets wait and watch the magic unfold.

29.05.2020 A spot of sunshine

I always write about everything being miserable but i need to also write about when i am doing okay. Not estactic but atleast when i am feeling a bit better.

I need a game plan.

What do i want to achieve this year.

  • Lose 14kgs by the end of this year. I have about 8 months left which works out to 2kgs a month .
  • Drink more water everyday
  • Do some form of exercies and stretches every day to make sure i dont suffer from muscle pain.
  • Continue writing in this blog. I wish to reflect in a few years.
  • Take care of my skin.
  • I have eliminated Bread, butter, potato, and biscuits from my diet.
  • From June i wish to add ice cream, any form of crisps, all drinks except for lemonade and water.
  • Join a dance class