We have been talking on and off and one of the things i have come to resign as fate is that no one can really change another one. No matter how many times i tell you something, it has to come from one own’s thoughts.
We met again for the 5th time and it seems different. Felt more love this time. He usually nevers calls or texts after we meet. He tends to disappear off for a few weeks and then i hear from him again.
This time. it was 5 mins where he said about the train times. then checking if i reached home. Telling how much he enjoyed it.
I am quite shocked. What does this mean. Is it the free sex he has been recieving and he wants to make sure the supply is constantly met.
it was different cos we did talk about stuff. he held me. my brain and my mind are confused. i feel like i am high.
every time we met, i dreaded it after cos i know he would disappear off. what is happening.
Would he disappear again? Yes i am paying the costs both mentally and physcically but he makes me forget everything. For that couple of hours(its just like i have disappeared off the face of the earth).
Yes its not love. i dont know if we are even what you called friends. Whatever this is. It has so few highs and many lows. He even said he has many lovers.. i dont know what i mean to him.
But i realise its not my job to find out. He is not a permanent person in my life. Any time this can be over. He could be using me. And i know i cant live without him. My mind goes so low when he is not there and i really hate myself that i have relied on someone to feel good.
But when he is with me, i have never felt this high. I have never felt sexier. I have never felt this alive. Its like everything has woken up and its like i was in this big coma.. All dead inside.. now i am alive.
I realised time is short. and this little memories are within me for a long time.
I do wish he loves me. but i know he doesnt. Maybe i just boost his ego like no other. Maybe there is no body else . Maybe he is tired of life. I wish i can find out how he really feels about me but i am not chasing after it now.
I am taking it day by day. I cannot make anyone love me. I cannot make anyone chase me. I cannot make anyone want me.
I know all i do is wrong but i cant help it. I even asked God but all i feel is that he is meant to be in my life. Its now seven years and 7 months that he has come into my life and i cannot make his memories go away.
But i am also scared of life. i am scared of death. i am scared that this illusion will disappear off.
But i enjoyed that one hour. I waited 9 months for it. For that one hour.
Sometimes even when we know we are being used, we allow it. No one to blame except our self.