06.09.2021

Is the universe trying to tell me something. Are we too blind to see things when its practically in front of us. How does one let go. I am no longer expecting others to behave in a certain way. I am not attached to anyone. My purpose on this life is a matter of moments.

They can only provide a certain part of it and i will no longer look into seeking it all. they are doing their best. i will do my best.

i am learning to love myself. I have spent many year loving others. chasing others. crying about others. now i will learn to love myself. love my soul. learn to smile from deep within.

the only concern i have is this effect temporary. Is it becuase of the vitamin d tablets i am taking. or him. i dont know.

i am able to wait. i am no longer in a hurry. is it the anxiety going down. why does it feel clear. is it because he said he loves me.

i guess we shall wait and watch. 🙂

27.08.2021

the cursed princess

Its like one day i am meant to be sad and one day i am meant to be sad. its like happiness is given out in rations. its never abundant. excess. u know your quota is only going to be this and sometimes u stand in line for hours and its has already been given to the ones ahead of you,.

You can scream and cry.. i stood here.. i waited. its my turn.. but the stocks are gone.. its empty. u look around and they are all carrying it back home.but u are empty.

Its like this life, u are not able to see the blessings. its like you are cursed. someone might say like a princess with a curse.

where happiness is all around and yet i cant feel it. then the princess searches and searches and finds herself intoxicated with poisonous venom and once she has consumed it, she falls further.. its like quick sand. someday.. the end seems like a better hope.. she knows one day all the pain will stop.. she will not have to feel anything and till then she has to go on and on .. for the sake of family.. for friends.. for being the support that she is.

She chose not to fight anymore, not to expect anymore, not to chose to look at the bright side of things, to keep life the same.. because she cannot feel the pain when she falls down. isn’t it better to be on a lower cliff and then pursue this beautiful view which probably is a lie because u spend your life standing in ques waiting for your turn and then you suddenly wake up and its not there for you.

30.07.2021

I tend to write here when my anxiety level is high or when i am really less busy as i can feel myself rising again. I am so addicted to him i dont know how to act without it. He contacts when he wants then goes from one extreme to another. i am not his girlfriend. i am absolutely nothin to him except some cheap shit that he can use whenever he wants. yes i want to scream at him. scream to him. i mean i can see why women become pyscho is because of men like him.

they choose what they want when they want. its like we are waiting for them to do what they please and hope they choose us . we are so happy with the crumbs. i am so tired of it all.

i need a plan to keep myself busy. i can be without him. yes its going to be painful. it was easier when he used to delete the apps that way i cannto contact at all as know there is a way to connect to him.

yes you might have some other woman that you are blagging away. you could have another app . its fine man. u were never mine. i was being used. i knew that. its not anyone fault. i am not even sad about it. no pity needed.

use this opportunity to get out.

25.06.2021

Ok i have got 20 mins to write an update.

So after we met nothin major happended. I am actually now forgetting whether we talk or he disappears.

he came back with a new twist that he got a phone number just for me and then i confronted him that it was not for me and then it became a tad nasty and then seemed to faze out.

i really dont want to be one of his selection. I mean i need to focus on something else. I really need to sleep.. maybe i should find someone else. i dont want to be a slut as well. i really want love. like i want to feel passion.. this craziness but with someone who really does care. this guy doesnt.. i am just focusing on the crumbs he throws at me and well atleast now it doesnt hurt as much.

i mean i cant pass the blame on to others. i am in it as much. i wonder if we can continue this till we are 60. i mean i am not young.

All crazy thoughts go through my mind. My mind keeps playing tricks. in my head we are going to end up together. not married. but we would be come partners.. at the end it would all be worth it. y cant i accept its never going to happen.

this is probably normal. maybe everyone feels that.

atleast to distract my mind somewhere else i have started trading online so thats something.

He ticks my buttons.. again and again. How… why am i not bored of him.

25.05.2021 Wow a month

So to be fair. the anxiety feeling surrounding him is slowly going down. i mean we met again at the begining of the month when i was really sick which should have not been the case. he was sick too. it was alright.. maybe i am making this over complicated than what it should be

26.04.2021 Read this -u know when u should

this back and forth. such a drag. just when i slowly seem to come back then he comes back with a half baked nonsense.

if he pulls this stunt again just dont reply. its really not worth it. its so difficult to stay without talking to him and the withdrawal symptoms start kicking in a few days but he cannot just come and go. ignore him. if he goes he goes. so he texted on saturday and if he doesnt touch base again in a few days then leave it.

there is really nothin to be gained rather than some momentary happiness .

simple. dont overcomplicate it. u will be okay. breathe. u are worth more. i am worth more

16.03.2021 Not a great start for the week

So on Saturday morning I finally felt slightly better and that’s when he contacted. Its like he knows when i suddenly start feeling light. It was a short conversation which as usual got cut suddenly. i think i have told him many times but he clearly doesn’t care for my anxiety level or anything about me.

The video call ended abruptly and I have heard nothing back. Does he think he can use me like this? And why do i allow it. Why do i respond it so quickly. why do I give in. I am going to try and not respond. Maybe his ego would be hurt and he would leave me alone. Why doesn’t he miss me like i miss him. So many whys.

My brain: i wish i can just stop the train of thoughts.. it like this super fast bullet train that is clearly ambushing everything in its path. This is soo destructive. Yet I keep going through it time and time again. I cant even bear to look at the old messages.

Anyways i was such in a low mood and by Monday morning, my energy levels.. my anxiety was all over the place. I just started crying. i cant keep crying over this anymore. I tried doing so many law of attraction manifesting videos.. like the ones where you can manifest a text message. I mean why am I doing this.

All i want is for my brain to slow down. I just want to forget him. i need to give up on this idea. this idea this hope that sits on my head thinking i am going to have a future. it does not exist. i need to invest in me. i want to sleep without his thoughts. i want to wake up without his thoughts. i want to write on this blog without mentioning him. I really need to stop ranting about him.

12.03.2021

I couldnt think of a title and i really need to get started on the book. Today i felt very jittery as i have not heard from him since early Sunday Morning. The fact that he can stay for 6 days without talking to me should tell something.

I am not that important to him. Simple.

24.02.2021 New Purpose

I have been manifesting the same thing for the last two weeks. I mean a couple of times it has worked when i really let go. He is like a shadow that follows me everywhere so i am not entirely sure on how to let go. Yes i know the process. but the implementation is a different story.

I have been inspired by a colleague who is writing a book. Now i did start on a love story but it never went anywhere so i decided to write about my friends and their story as its best to write with the knowledge i have.

So my first aim is to make a draft and i am plan to use this platform cos no one will ever read this. Before i do that and i will mark it as a seperate one, i hope that i use my energy on something else. I need a new focus.

I am still trying to lose weight, drink water. I am walking everyday so that is good. I want to focus on my areas that needs to be improved. I cant keep focusing on him alone. It is not working. He doesnt care. He texts me at midnight like a booty call. i am glad my phone was silent otherwise i would have probably lost my will power cos its damn weak when it comes to him anyways, and i would have replied back to him. Sign… i wish … not sure how to complete this sentence.

Right back to my new purpose.. Damn i cant even write about something without being distracted by him.

i want to have a rough draft about my story to the girls as i am going to base it on them. Lets see.

17.02.2021 Let go

So i am right now in the office listening to meditation music about letting go and trusting the universe.

I need to step into the postive vibrations instead of the negatives ones. I was asking why i am not getting certain things and i realised that i am not a patient person.

Everything takes time and everything has a place. I studied in Colombo ended up in Bangalore, came to London. met my friends after years. marriage. kids, life.. pain.. happiness.. people who came into my life .. people who left my life. so many by chance.

I need to truly let go and even embrace the pain i have. its also a part of me. Yes i have been crying every night as sometimes when one misses someone so much… when i have been so attached to you i cannot think of a life without them. We become so strongly attached to them. I have lived without them and will continue.

I have always asked God that if someone is not meant in my life that please take them away. I need to learn to trust God and the universe that what ever is happening is hapeening for a reason. i need to step into the air and feel light. Even my body feels tired and sore and very heavy.

I need to write what i want from the Universe.

i will feel loved and will give love.

I will lose weight and feel lighter/.

I will learn to embrace the pain and the heartache. I will continue to smile.

I will learn to let go.

I will learn to live without certain indivuuals in my life.

its all good what is happening. I need to let go of the chain. i need to let go of the ropes that is binding me around.

i want to feel light.. i want the love and the ambudnace of positive energy to sweep through me like a light radiating from the Gods.

I will feel cleansed. my soul will be pure. its like i have bathed in the holy water and have been reborn to start a new journey. a new life where i am just a new born baby who has stepped into the world.

The past shall be left behind and i will not use it to think about my future.

I wish to let go. My new exciting life awaits me. I will be provided with adundance of peace and happiness. I am seeing the lights all over me.. enveloping me with a hug.. i can smell the freshness around me.. the tingle around me.. its happening.. i am seeing myself on a cloud and its myself.. alone.. a smile.. freshness.. its a new day.